My influencer sister just revealed what she really believes online. It’s going to destroy our family.
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Dear Care and Feeding,
I’m a 38-year-old woman with two kids, “Ari,” who is a 14-year-old, and “Owen,” an 11-year-old boy. Ari is transgender and came out three years ago. Based on the political climate of where we live and the fact that most of my extended family is conservative fundamentalist, coming out was very hard for her. We had to end several relationships. We have rebuilt our social circle with loving people, but it was tough for a while. With Trump’s upcoming presidency, we have been hearing and seeing an onslaught of homophobic and transphobic behavior from our community and Americans at large, which has scared Ari. She does not feel comfortable being around anyone who supports/voted for Trump because they voted against her right to exist. I support her right to terminate a relationship with anyone who makes her feel unsafe. She deserves to feel good about herself in a world that will tell her that her identity isn’t valid.
Ari is very close to my sister, “Lia,” who is 19 and a lifestyle influencer with a sizeable online following. Ari follows Lia on her social media platforms, and she came across a video of her talking about her values as “a true American” and her support of Trump in this past election. There were also photos and videos of Lia in a MAGA hat and waving MAGA flags that she only posted recently.
Lia has never told me about supporting Trump, and I had no idea that she was Republican until Ari showed me the posts. Ari is very upset and wants to have no contact with her aunt. Owen is also very close to Lia, and he wants to have her over soon. He has told me that he is upset that Ari’s trans identity has dictated the family and friends he can have in his life, and that she shouldn’t be allowed to take his aunt, too.
I don’t want to cut off Lia. I do love her and want a relationship with her. I spoke with her about supporting Trump, and she admitted that she did not say anything to me because she loves Ari and did not want to make us angry. I asked her how she could love Ari while also supporting a man who doesn’t want Ari to exist, and she didn’t have an answer for that. I am just unsure of how to handle this. I don’t want Ari to feel unsafe, but I also understand how hard her transition has been on Owen. He has had to say goodbye to several family members and family friends that he loves—and he doesn’t understand the impact of their transphobia on his sister. He is now saying that if Ari won’t fold, he should be allowed to go over to Lia’s. I don’t want my family to be split up like this.
—Family Woes in Texas
Dear Family Woes,
Actions have consequences. Lia has aligned herself with a man who invested millions of dollars in ads that sought to turn Americans against people like Ari. Your daughter is correct to want to cut her off, and I think it would be appropriate to keep your entire family away from her. Owen will have to come to terms with the fact that some relationships must be sacrificed in the name of keeping his sister safe. Ask him how he would feel if people were supporting a politician who opposed the lives and freedoms of young boys like himself, and whether he would feel safe if Lia started spewing things that made him a target for hatred. Talk to him about how dangerous this political climate is for trans people. Let Lia know that your family won’t be communicating with her as long as she supports Trump. Perhaps this will encourage Lia to reconsider her values—and sit with the very question you posed that she couldn’t answer. For far too long, families have looked the other way while their loved ones have backed a man who represents so many devastating threats to our way of life, particularly for immigrants, people of color, and LGBTQ+ people. If your family continues to engage with Lia, you’ll be sending Ari a message that bigotry against trans people is OK.
—Jamilah
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